How-To-Tell-If-Youre-Stuck-In-A-Dead-End-Job-And-What-To-Do-If-You-Are Understand and Move Toward the Seven Goals of Mourning

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Understand and Move Toward the Seven Goals of Mourning

Can you minimize unnecessary suffering when mourning the death of a loved one? Is pain always totally disabling? What choices are there for managing intensity and sadness? These questions go to the heart of understanding the grieving process at a time when we are disorganized and in need of support.

What happens in the lives of most bereaved people – and it could happen to you – is that they are often unaware of their choices and where they should be putting their efforts into easing their pain. Specifically, the research is a direction on how and what to do to deal with the loss, overcome it and start a life without a loved one.

Here are seven top goals to work towards in coping with your great loss that will help you adjust to a new world.

1. Accept the reality of what happened. The single most important goal of mourning is to accept the death of your loved one. Intellectually this is relatively easy to do. One can say yes to the fact that death has occurred. In terms of a deep emotional connection with your loved one, however, acceptance is commonly much more difficult and denial often prevails. Continually facing the pain of reality and expressing it day by day gradually leads to true acceptance.

2. Normalize the emotional pain of separation. The thought of parting can bring the deepest pain you’ve ever experienced. Despair, depression, anger, feelings of emptiness, confusion, helplessness, and loss of control are common. They generate thoughts without a future, a lot of loneliness and not being loved. Emotions by themselves are neither good nor bad; it’s what we do with them that matters. They are managed by talking about them with trusted friends and continually telling you that these are expected human responses.

3. Coping with the physical pain of separation. Many people don’t realize that pain has a heavy physical component until it’s too late. They get sick, feel nauseous, lose weight, and cannot eat or sleep. When you suffer, every cell in your body suffers. The negative thoughts and stress they add eventually compromise the immune system. Your physical sensation and condition will have an additional impact on your emotional state. Taking daily breaks to rest and feed is essential for preventing disease.

4. Discover and mourn your minor losses. The pain often seems to intensify at various times after you feel well. Usually this can be attributed to the failure to recognize and mourn the minor losses that accompany all major losses. Has the death of your loved one shattered your dreams and expectations, forced you to move, change jobs or reduce your social circle? These and many other secondary losses, which may come months or years later, are to be mourned, and some of them may be more challenging than the death itself.

5. Start reinvesting in life and establishing new routines. Grief commonly involves taking your emotional energy and investing it in new rewarding projects, goals, and activities. This is a slow process that also requires abandoning old routines and adopting new ones. It in no way means that you are forgetting your loved one; implies that your loss means new roles, responsibilities, and taking on tasks previously assigned to your loved one. The hours you used to spend with him or her will now change depending on the path you take.

6. Accept and release sad reminders. We are hardwired to call up memories of all kinds, some of which can be extremely helpful (memories of love) and others that need to be gently released. Again, it’s common to remember your loved one whenever you do something you used to do together. It can be painful and sad, in which case you accept the reminder and don’t dwell on it. The key is to take your attention away from it and tell yourself that it’s normal to have these memories. Gradually, they decrease in impact.

7. Establish a new relationship with the deceased and take risks again. Few bereaved people are encouraged by friends and relatives to form a new relationship with the deceased. So it’s often done in a less than open way. Death does not end a relationship; it changes it. You can learn to love in separation, which means it’s healthy to talk to your deceased loved one if you wish. Establishing a new relationship will free you to take risks again, face the unknown, and continue to engage in the new world you inhabit.

Part of loving in separation involves cherishing memories, speaking openly about the deceased, remembering them at celebrations, and living the lessons taught. Thomas Moore in Dark Nights of the Soul put it this way: “Perhaps if we honored the dead more, we would know better what it means to have respect for life…”

As you mourn your loved one, evaluate how you are progressing in achieving your grieving goals. Every great loss brings hidden gifts because it’s a natural part of life. Look for them carefully and focus on them. And if you think you’re stuck in your pain, reach out to a best friend and discuss your fears. Persist. Never let death have the last word. You will overcome your pain with a new awareness and discover a new outlook on life.

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