How.Long.Does.It Take.To Hear Whether You Got The Job 5 Signs You May Be Settling in Your Relationship

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5 Signs You May Be Settling in Your Relationship

Be patient, they say. Don’t settle, they say. Wait for God to send you the right man, they say. Focus on you and the right man will come along, they say. We have all heard these cliches a million times and see them on our Facebook news feeds constantly. We “like” and “comment” all day long, but at the end of the day, do we really take heed to the advice being given? Do we really use that encouragement to take a hard look at our own unhappy relationships and take responsibility for our part in our own unhappiness? Probably not, because as they say, the truth hurts.

To hold ourselves responsible would be painful, so we avoid it. But the truth of the matter is there are millions of women out there who go through life day in and day out miserable because they are not getting all they want and need from their relationship. The reason why they are not getting what they want and what they need is because they settle. They let the parameters of their relationships be defined by the man and the man alone. Now, I’m all for compromise, but to let all aspects of the relationship be controlled by the man is just going to cause more misery. Ask yourself, “am I as happy as I can possibly be in the relationship I am in right now?” If the answer is “no”, then examine your situation to see if you are guilty of any of the following scenarios:

1. You stay in it too long without requiring any type of serious commitment. You’ve been in a relationship with someone for months or even years who is perfectly content to keep saying you all are just friends who are “kicking it”. Let me tell you something ladies. If a man is telling you that and that is how he defines your relationship, then he is not committed to you OR to the relationship. That just means that he is not really ready to be tied down to one woman and though it may be hard to hear, he’s probably at least open to being with someone else while he is being with you. By defining your relationship as just “kicking it,” he can justifiably say that if he ever got caught with someone else that he is single and not tied down to any one person.

If you have been with this person for a while and your feelings are now heavily involved (which tends to happen when you are intimate with someone for an extended period of time) and you want a real, solid, committed relationship with him and you know that’s not what HE wants, you need to break from that. He is not the man for you at this time in your life. Even if he is well aware of your wants and needs regarding the relationship, don’t think that he is going to do the ” noble” thing and let you go because he knows that he can’t give you what you want and need. No, he is going to keep on having his cake and eating it too for as long as you let him. For as long as you “settle” for something that you know is less than what you want.

2. You make excuses for him to your friends and family. How many times have you found yourself defending him and his actions to your friends and family? How many times have you gone to family functions on holidays without him because he had other things to do? If years have passed, what do you say to family and friends who inquire as to what your future plans are with him, i.e., do you plan to get married one day? When we are in a relationship with someone that we are in love with, we envision a future with that person. We want him to become a part of our circles of friends and family. We want to be able to brag about how well he treats us and how much he shows his love for us. But when you are dealing with someone who is not on that same page with you, and doesn’t want the same fairy tale of a committed relationship as you, it’s embarrassing to admit that to friends and family. Instead, holidays and functions become awkward because he is not there or if a relationship topic comes up. To continue to make excuses is just a way of presenting a front to other people that your relationship is something that it’s not. The fact that it is embarrassing to you means that you really wish it were that way that you describe because that is the life that you want. To allow yourself to keep experiencing this is settling. Don’t waste your time on a relationship that is clearly not heading in the same direction that you want it to. Let it go, because by holding on, you might be blocking the way for the next man, who may be the one willing to give you everything you want in a relationship.

3. You allow him to stay under your roof without a job. No one knows better than me that times are hard in this economy. I know that, when faced with job uncertainty and sudden unemployment, it can be very discouraging to embark on yet another job search. Looking for a job is a full-time job within itself. But if you have a man at home who is jobless and has been jobless for more than 6 months, but you are working and bringing home the bacon to take care of you both, then you may need to take a harder look at his situation and ask yourself is he really doing all he can to find a job so that he can contribute to the household? Basically you are going to have to step outside of your “love blinders”, and determine whether or not your man is a lazy bum. If you assess this situation and see that there are jobs that he has not applied for because he thinks “they don’t pay enough”, or “I’m not going to do that type of work”, yet you come home to find him sitting on the couch playing video games and eating Doritos, then you are dealing with a man who simply doesn’t want to work. And why should he? You are allowing him to live the good life. Ask yourself for a minute, if it were one of your girlfriends or family members laying in your house all day and not contributing, how long would it be before it gets on your nerves? How long would it be before you say something? Wouldn’t you give them a deadline to get their act together or get out? Yes you would, and you know you would. But because he’s your man, and you are in love and have your “love blinders” on, you want to make excuses to yourself about him and you choose to let him continue to do nothing, while you struggle to make ends meet. This is not the life God chose for you. Just like you would give your girlfriend or family member a deadline to get off the couch and do something, you should do the same thing with that man. Especially with that man, since it is a man’s responsibility in a committed relationship to bear the brunt of taking financial responsibility for the household anyway. Stop settling for someone who is not willing to lift a finger to try to provide for you. If it is not a priority to him to provide for you now, what makes you think he would be a good provider if you were married?

4. You allow him to disrespect you by cheating. Why, why why do some women allow men to continuously disrespect them by cheating without any consequences for their actions? Probably because we fall in love and that makes it so easy to believe what he is telling us instead of what we see and feel in our gut, with the perfectly good instincts that God gave us. You find phone numbers. He says he just took it because he didn’t want to be rude. You believe him. You go through his phone and find incriminating text messages. He says they were just playing around and nothing ever happened. You believe him. You find condoms. He says they aren’t his and he was holding them for his boy. You believe him. Now in the logical scheme of things, you know that all of these sound like a crock of, well you know. But because you are in love and want so much to believe that your man would never, ever cheat on you, you choose, that’s right I said choose, to go against your gut, your instincts and all things logical, to believe what he says. You continue to keep the blinders on, pretending you are happy in this “committed relationship”, that you are really the only one committing to. You throw the fact that he is disrespecting you, first by cheating, then by lying, right out the window. Just so that you can say you have a man. Even if he is presented with undeniable proof that he is cheating, he begs and pleads for forgiveness and promises that he will never do it again and you forgive him and believe him. You don’t make it hard for him to keep you at all. In doing this, you are showing him how to treat you. You are showing him that all he has to do is apologize and say he won’t do it again each time he does something wrong and then everything will be fine after that. If that is the only consequence he has to face for his actions, why would he stop? You are settling for this type of treatment and will keep getting cheated on if you keep allowing it to happen with no consequence to him.

5. You always take him back after a breakup. Every relationship goes through its ups and downs. Most of us have been in relationships before where we broke up, only to find ourselves miserable without the other person and getting back together. But if the reason for the breakups are mainly due to your man’s infidelity, you have to ask yourself when is enough, enough? If you are dealing with a serial cheater, and you are strong in the moment when you find out and decide to leave him, you have to remain strong enough to stand your ground and refuse to settle for being cheated on. A lot of times when trying to deal with the heartbreak of losing a relationship, we come to times of loneliness and it is at these times that we miss them terribly. It is so easy for you to call an ex in a moment of weakness and invite him and his cheating ways right back into your life. It becomes a pattern. You’re together and you’re happy. He cheats and you find out. You break up with him. You get lonely. You call him to come back. You are happy again. Until you find out that he’s cheating again. You breakup with him again. And the cycle repeats over and over again. If your man continues to disregard your feelings and can’t bring himself to stop cheating, you have to find the strength to break it off and move on. You have to stop settling for this type of treatment because in doing so, you are contributing to your own misery. To stop allowing yourself to be treated this way is to own up to your part in your own unhappiness. Take it as a learning experience, stay strong, stick to your guns and find someone who will be faithful and loyal to you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

If you are guilty of any of these five behaviors, it is time to take a step back and really assess your relationship. Have you been settling? Ask yourself what you really want from your relationship and if you see that happening with the person you are with. Decide whether or not you are willing to forego your own happiness by staying with someone who is not willing or capable of giving you the type of relationship you desire. If you’re not, it is time to walk away.

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