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My Husband Cheated And Left Our Family – Now He Wants Us Back – Why?
It’s common for me to hear from wives and lovers who simply don’t understand why a man who was actively involved in an affair (for which he was willing to risk everything) suddenly dramatically changes his behavior and decides he now wants his family back.
A common comment from a lover is something like, “This man told me that no woman had ever made him feel like I did. He said that eventually, when he was free, he couldn’t wait to be with me.” forever. When her my wife found out about the affair, I honestly thought this was the beginning of our life together. But now, she suddenly decided that she can’t be with me because she wants her family back. Well, she should have known how committed he was to his family before he got involved with someone else. Why does he do it?”
A common comment for a wife is something like, “when my husband told me about the affair, he actually said that he was in love with the other woman and that, as much as it hurt him to say it, our marriage was over. I really I didn’t want to accept it, but it was obvious I didn’t have much of a choice. Heartbroken, I filed for divorce and tried to start over. Now, two months later, she has decided that she wants her family back and has allegedly banished this woman out of his life. Why would he do that? Why do men suddenly want back the family they don’t even deserve?”
In truth, both women had the right to ask these questions. It can seem very unfair for a man to suddenly want to change his mind, especially when you feel that the outcome of your life will be affected by the decisions he makes. It can feel like you are not the one calling the shots or making the decisions in your life and this can feel quite frustrating. Below, I’ll try to explain some common reasons why cheating husbands eventually decide they want their families back.
When men decide to pursue a relationship outside of their family, they don’t realize how they will feel once they are without that same family: Often men are so caught up in the excitement and novelty of the relationship that they believe the whole relationship has added a new dimension or richness to their life that they don’t want to be without. So, they decide to pursue this other life or this other woman with seemingly unwavering determination. Right now, they think they understand the sacrifices that will be involved. But they often have no idea how they will truly feel once they are hurt and then leave their families. The reality and pain of those actions can take them by surprise.
They don’t foresee how much they will miss being a daily part of their children’s lives or how much pain they will feel to know how they have altered those very lives. Some men find they even miss the wives they were sure they had long since left behind. In short, he misses being part of a cohesive family and the excitement of a relationship is incomparable. It’s often at this point that men realize the relationship wasn’t even a product of reality. Once the husband and the other woman have to start dealing with everyday things like laundry, dinner, work, etc., then the relationship becomes more of a partnership and less challenging. It is often at this time that the husband realizes that he has miscalculated his feelings for everyone involved. So often, when the relationship isn’t perfect in every way, a man will start thinking things like, “Did I give up my family for this? What was I thinking? How could I be so stupid?”
Often, both women in this scenario are quite clear that the man’s behavior put his family in danger and many will tell you that because of his actions, he doesn’t deserve his family. Believe it or not, men would often agree with this assessment. Many will tell you they know they don’t deserve their family, but that doesn’t stop them from wanting it back just the same. They will also often tell you that they are willing to do anything for another chance. Because once they get a taste of life without their family, they are so afraid of losing them forever.
I often fail to tell women in this situation whether to allow this man back into their lives. It’s a decision only they can make. I can tell you though that many men believe they are being sincere when they decide they want their families back. And many fear it will be too late to make it a reality. Yes, it would have been nice if they had come to that conclusion before cheating. But unfortunately, it often takes the threat of losing something to fully value it. I’ve known men who vow never to put their families in danger again, and they’ve more than kept that promise. They also became faithful and grateful husbands. However, everyone is different. And often extensive healing is required for this to become a reality.
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